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We can't afford that.

February 18th, 2008 at 02:53 pm

Today is a special day to me and it makes me think about my life so many years ago.
I did not have a happy first marriage and my first husband physically abused me. I guess it made him feel like a "big man". Well, he was. He was 6 feet 7 inches tall and I am 5 feet 2 inches tall.
I remember the very first time he hit me. We both worked; I made $1 an hour and he made about $1.25 an hour.
We had not been married very long. His cousin wanted us to go to the dog track and gamble with him.
I said "we can't afford that"

When we got home, he hit me and told me never to say that again. I don't remember if I ever said that again, but it did not take much for him to hit me again!

When I moved out, we split our assets equally. Within about 2 years, he was broke. He wound up living with his new in laws and never had any money the rest of his life. He never owned a house again, he could not "afford it"!

That was 31 years ago, when I moved out the first week of January, 1977.

Thirty one years ago today, I met my darling husband on a blind date!

11 Responses to “We can't afford that.”

  1. luxlivingfrugalis Says:
    1203347932

    Wow Ima - thanks for chiming in with this - Many Happy Returns of your 'first date' anniversary with your husband.

    As we've spoken of before I too married/divorced the first time in 1977 - early last week would have been my anniversary, also to an abuser. I did not stay. I am a relatively quick study and did not want that to be my lifestyle.

    I too am now married to a wonderful man!!

    Thankfully we are both in better places in our lives. Yea me and ImaSaver!!

    Here's to us and having calm cool attitudes about what is reasonable in the spending realm.

  2. rob62521 Says:
    1203348166

    Hey, Ima! So glad you have a wonderful husband now and sorry that you had to be abused by your first. What a jerk! However, he got what he deserved...unhappiness and no money because he lived only for himself.

  3. mom-sense Says:
    1203348809


    Second time around are usually gems! My mom was married to an abuser. She was able to leave after several years and we were kind of poor, but happy. My mom has been married to my dear step-father for 28 years and he is a GEM. Glad that you guys all found dears!

  4. Ima saver Says:
    1203349137

    The sad thing was, when I married my mother told me I could never come back home. I wish I had left him earlier but I had no place to go!! However, it must have worked out for the best cause I met dh the month after I moved out. (I saved my money to move and planned it for a long time)(You have to have some money to get out)

  5. skydivingchic Says:
    1203351906

    I'm glad you got out Ima and now have a wonderful man with which to share your life. You too luxliving. Too many women don't get out. I teach a women's self defense class and all too often the women who take the class are the ones who could have used the class in a previous experience. It is awesome to see them come alive in class and gain confidence, but I always wish they had found it sooner.

  6. My English Castle Says:
    1203362207

    Thanks Ima for sharing your story. Money is really truly a safety net, especially I think for women and women with kids. You have to take care of yourself, don't you?

    Too many women are scared to go because they can't support themselves. too many women make decisions based on money and its power over our lives.

    But you are walking testimony to resilience!

  7. Thrifty Ray Says:
    1203368268

    I, too, was married to an abuser the first time around...and he also believed that 'our money' was ..his money exclusively...for toys and drugs. Thank goodness for life's second chances. I have not been abused once since I left I him in 1987...hooray! Happy anniversay to you and your hub Julie!!!

  8. Aleta Says:
    1203372750

    This was one of Suze Orman's big reason's for writing her newest book, WOMEN AND MONEY. She said that so many stay in bad relationships because of the money factor so she wants them to start having their own accounts and start taking care of themselves instead of taking care of everyone else.

  9. NJDebbie Says:
    1203374324


    Ima saver, I always look forward to reading your blogs. I'm so happy your hubby is a keeper! I admire strong women like you.

    My Mom always told me,"Honey you must have a savings account under your name only in case your husband turns out to be a bum, you can kick him in the a** and leave!" I took this advice at heart and about 12 years ago I opened by own savings account, which since then has grown to more than $14000.

    My husband knows about it and he has even given me money to fund the account. He tells me that if he had a daughter, he would've opened an account for her himself. My hubby is a keeper too!Smile

  10. Camie Says:
    1203384175

    Thank you for posting this. I too have been married once to an abuser. I want to remarry, but find it difficlut to trust and open up to men. It's been a little over three years, and on most days, I'm still amazed and elated on the amount of freedom I have to do things I want to do or not do things. That part is great.

  11. Broken Arrow Says:
    1203454599

    I don't think I've ever heard of the details about your first marriage before. I'm glad that you are no long with him, as a man like that would have ruined your life and kept you from someone who could make you happy instead.

    Financially, this is another reason why I am now personally adamant about keeping finances separate. It's not just to protect myself, but it can protect the other as well. Of course, no financial arrangement is perfect, and I wouldn't mind if someone wanted ME to handle all of the finances. However, I simply refuse to let anyone else handle my finances again. We need to protect ourselves as well as each other.

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